


Hedonism

by NevermindBye



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mpreg, Pregnancy, alpha he tian, omega mo guan shan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:09:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23382115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NevermindBye/pseuds/NevermindBye
Summary: Mo Guan Shan had a plan. He'd go to community college while working part-time, support his mom, become financially independent, and someday - if he worked really hard - be a chef in his own restaurant. Omega or not.He Tian was never part of his plan and neither was an expired pack of condoms.
Relationships: He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days), Jian Yi/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days)
Comments: 114
Kudos: 990





	1. Chapter 1

Mo Guan Shan has always been sure of one thing; he's strong. He's an incredibly strong person, regardless of what anyone might say.

He was strong that night in the restaurant, when everything came crushing down. And after, when he helped his mom pick up all the broken pieces and reassemble them.

He was strong when the other kids rejected him, made fun of him and his family, didn't play or talk to him. He was strong enough to give them reason to be afraid of him.

He was strong that night the old man almost strangled him to death. And when She Li told him he owed him his life. When he used Guan Shan's guilt and pierced his ears with a dull pin, a threat of _your life isn't yours anymore_.

He was strong all throughout middle school, when he resisted She Li's torments, built his own little group of delinquents, made his classmates respect him. Or hate him. Not sure.

He was strong enough to maintain a part-time job to help support his mom. Tired and irritated from school, he sometimes worked six to eight hours after to be able to cover his half of the rent. The fact that at 15, he had to help pay rent. That was hard. But he was strong.

He didn't, however, expect to have to be extra strong shortly before graduation. While having exams and managing his teenage hormones and meeting his dad after years of not seeing him, there was He Tian. This infuriating guy with no sense of personal space. Pushy, annoying, cocky and so aggravatingly arrogant. A true alpha in the making. Tall, broad, self-confident. Everything Guan Shan thought he wanted to be.

He doesn't care much for secondary genders, he doesn't even really have time to think about it much. Of course he'd prefer being an alpha, simply because they have it easiest in everyday life, but he guesses whatever he might end up to be, it won't change much. If he were to be an alpha, no omega would want him, anyway. He'd be to ill-tempered to be a beta and too ugly to be an omega. The end result is always gonna be that he'd end up alone, he's sure.

So that's why He Tian is so infuriating. How he constantly touches Mo Guan Shan and how he never leaves him alone, is always there for him, defends him, makes him presents, and is always on his side. The cruelest thing he could possibly do was stealing Mo Guan Shan's first kiss as a joke. Guan Shan who does not have much to his name and not a lot to look forward to, has always kind of, secretly treasured some of his firsts. And then comes He Tian, simply taking with no regards for what Guan Shan was willing to give.

But Mo Guan Shan was strong and did not give into He Tian's meaningless flirting and insincere advances.

Not in Middle School, not in High School and not in the year after, when he's working full-time, trying to save up enough money for college. Not when he finally presents after all his friends had already done so in High School.

Omega. Of course.

To no one's surprise, He Tian presented as an alpha in his second year of high school. That only increased the number of admirers he already had. It also increased the advances he made on Guan Shan, unfortunately.

But he's always been strong.

Except for that one time. That one night. That one fucking moment of weakness.

Guan Shan is on his way back from work, when he gets a text from He Tian, asking for him to come to his place and cook as usual. He's used to those kinds of texts by now and, honestly, he doesn't even mind them much anymore, either. Going to the grocery store and buying all the ingredients he knows he could never afford for himself, he thinks about how much money he'd demand this time for the meal. Rich people have no concept of what ordinary things actually cost. Guan Shan could tell him that the meat and vegetables were 800 yuan and He Tian would give him 850. He felt guilty about it at first, but not anymore.

Guan Shan rings the bell and only two seconds later the buzzer goes off. On his way up, he greets some of the workers he's known for years by now. They all know him by name.

He Tian is waiting for him in the doorway, shirtless, casual.

”So rude, letting me wait,” he sing-songs.

”Get off my ass, dickface,” Guan Shan grunts as he pushes He Tian to the side in order to walk through the door. Maybe he lets his hand rest on He Tian's chest for moment too long, long enough for Guan Shan to feel his pectorals flex. Inhaling sharply, he takes his hand away and briskly walks into the kitchen. He can hear He Tian laughing but chooses to ignore it. Awkward moments when he's particularly omegarian are few and far between, but they still happen. Unfortunately.

After He Tian presented, his smell intensified. His whole apartment smelled of man and arrogance, and Mo hates it. He also hates when He Tian leaves his smell behind in his own small apartment. Hates especially the way his bed sheets smell after He Tian lay on them, even though Guan Shan told him not to.

He unpacks the groceries and preheats the oven for the casserole he's going to make.

He Tian slowly follows after him, casually leaning against the counter while grinning at Guan Shan the same way he's been dong since he was 15.

”Feel right at home, little Mo,” he says sarcastically.

Mo scoffs. ”I've used this kitchen a thousand times more than you have,” he grumbles. ”If you don't shut up, I'll let you starve.” The usual empty threat. They both know Guan Shan would never let anyone starve, if he can help it.

He busies himself with cutting the meat, so he doesn't have to look at He Tian's half-naked body only a couple of feet away from him. Too fucking close.

”You know,” and suddenly there's warm breath on the back of his neck, ”this kitchen could be yours for real. You can move in any time, little Mo. What's mine could be yours.” Of course the warm breath on his neck is joined by a warm hand on his hip. Usually this would be the moment he'd wake up. Usually sweaty. He doesn't let himself think about what might come after. Not even in his dreams.

”Fuck off,” Guan Shan says and promptly elbows the asshat in the stomach, not dropping the knife in his hand. He Tian laughs but backs off obediently for once.

While the casserole bakes in the oven, they set the table together. It was awfully domestic and a little bit too familiar a task. Something one would do with family or a partner. A _mate_.

Guan Shan never gave much thought to having a mate. He knows that that seems to be the goal for a lot of people, but he's always had different goals than most, anyway. What he wants most, and works hard for, is for him and his family to be financially independent. After all, he's the only son of the Mo household, omega or not. He does not have the luxury of thinking about what he wants for himself. He can't imagine any alpha ever seriously being interested in an omega like him. Omegas like him – mouthy, loud, rough – have a hard time in the dating world, he knows. His mom's like that, too, a beta that refuses to be docile and diplomatic. She always tells him the story of how she scared away most alphas and betas but that his father liked her strength and independence so she accepted him, in the end.

Omegas like that idiot Jian Yi have it much easier. Soft, bubbly and clingy omegas like him are popular. That's why he mated when he was only in high school. Sometimes, Guan Shan wonders if he'd be like that, too, had his life been different. If then he would dare go after what and who he wants. If he'd have an honest chance then. Have a mate, a family of his own. Love and be loved and all that jazz. A nice, handsome alpha, that would hold him at night and support him in everything he did. Maybe someone with soft, black hair like –. Mo doesn't let himself go there. This was reality.

Half an hour later, they eat. It's getting late and if Mo doesn't hurry, he'd miss the last train. Not like that hasn't happened before, but Mo usually tries to avoid it, no matter how comfortable He Tian's couch, his clothes and his pillows are. How comforting the smell of an alpha in the same room as him is.

Tonight, they are unusually quiet, Guan Shan notices. He Tian doesn't try to to provoke him or rile him on, doesn't suggest he'd stay the night or insists on bringing Guan Shan home. In retrospect, he should have known something was going on then.

Just when Guan Shan is about to start cleaning up, He Tian puts his hand on Guan Shan's in a way that is too soft for the both of them.

”I mean it,” he says earnestly, ”you know that, right?”

Guan Shan skeptically eyes the hand on his. ”Mean what?”

”You should move in. I'd like that,” He Tian says. Guan Shan doesn't dare look him in the eyes. He's strong and he has to prove it in moments like these.

”Sure you'd like that,” he grumbles, ”you think I want to be your chef and maid all in one, dickhead? Think I'd suddenly be sweet to you like one of your omega fans?”

He Tian laughs at that, loudly, throwing his head back. It's quite the sight. ”You? _Sweet_? C'mon, Mo. You'd never be sweet, you're a fucking asshole.”

The thing is, that after Guan Shan presented as an omega, no one really called him that anymore. It's always something like _bitch_ or _prude_ or _slut_. Never asshole.

Mo looks at He Tian and He Tian looks back. Somehow that is enough.

One moment of weakness.

Mo surges forward, a little clumsy but making up for it with sheer determination, and He Tian is ready for him. Has been ready for a while, probably. Guan Shan throws his arms around He Tian's neck and kisses him square on the mouth. It's nothing like the first time they kissed, that much was immediately apparent. This kiss is not forced or cold. And now they are both able to release pheromones, that's different too. _Very different_. He Tian's pheromones almost make him dizzy, definitely make his knees weak, and he can only imagine what his pheromones are doing to He Tian.

He Tian is eager, coaxing Mo's mouth open quickly and diving in even faster. They kiss with tongues and teeth and it feels like it makes sense. One moment Guan Shan's feet are securely on the ground, the next He Tian picks him up and without giving it much thought at all, Guan Shan wraps his legs around He Tian's waist. They kiss as He Tian walks them over to the bed. They're moving fast, probably because they're both aware that this shouldn't happen at all. Guan Shan has no time to be nervous or insecure. He Tian doesn't leave a spot on him unkissed. It almost feels like he's in heat but without the clouded head or the desperate need to be filled. He's not desperate. He's right here in this moment and he _wants_. For the first time in a long time, he feels alive, feels like a man, feels like an omega.

Guan Shan is supposed to go to college, graduate, find a job and work his life away. He Tian has to take over the family business, get mated for a business deal, produce an heir to the family legacy, and waste his life away. None of that matters.

With He Tian's mouth on his neck and his hand on Mo's ass, he simply can't think of what they are supposed to do. He's so lost in the kisses and the friction that he's almost completely incapable of rational thought.

“Fuck, Mo,” He Tian murmurs against the sensitive skin of Mo's neck, “finally. Fucking finally.”

Guan Shan can't talk with He Tian's hips grinding down on his cock. He doesn't know where to touch, where it feels good, and what He Tian likes. Putting one hand in He Tian's hair so he can keep him close and pull on it when he got too eager feels right, though. The other finds its place on his chest to feel He Tian's racing heart.

When he's not painting bruises on his neck, He Tian gets busy undressing Guan Shan. He doesn't leave Guan Shan any time to feel insecure about his slender frame and his unimpressive omega cock. “God, Mo, you're beautiful. Fuck, look at you,” He Tian kisses down his stomach now. “What do you want? How far –“

“All the way,” Mo interrupts him. He wants him.

He Tian looks up at him, his lips puffy and his eyes blown wide, a look of pure astonishment on his face. Guan Shan can't help but pull him in again.

“Do you have c- condoms?,” he asks, looking away nervously.

He Tian puts two fingers on his cheek to softly turn his head so he'd face him again.

“Mo, I bought condoms the day after you accepted the earrings,” He Tian says, a soft smile playing on his lips.

“S- since then?” It's been _years_ since then. That was even before he presented. What would He Tian have done if Guan Shan had presented as an alpha? He Tian nips his earlobe playfully and shivers run down Guan Shan's back.

“I didn't care how long you needed, but I wanted to be ready,” He Tian whispers into his ear.

That fucker knows exactly what to say and Guan Shan curses him for his suaveness. Embarrassed, he simply shuts him up with a forceful kiss. And he just can't stop himself after. They kiss again and again and again.

That night, Mo Guan Shan catches himself wondering, if maybe, just maybe, he can have both. A mate and his independence. Could have everything, really. It all feels possible, in this one night of weakness.

Fuck. Guan Shan has always known he's a special kind of stupid.

The morning after, Guan Shan wakes up alone. When he reaches out a hand to the other side of the large bed, he finds the sheets cold. He should've expected something like this.

Still naked, Mo looks around the room for his clothes and any sign of He Tian. He finds his underwear instead. Stalling for time, he slowly picks up the rest of his clothes, disposes of the used condoms, and changes the soiled sheets. He also puts the them into the washing machine and does the dishes for good measure. He's made a complete round of the apartment. There is no note, he realizes. No text either. No call. Nothing from He Tian.

After an hour, Guan Shan finally realizes what this is. He even did the fucking dishes without understanding that this is nothing but an opportunity for him to get the fuck out. Guan Shan can imagine it. He Tian calling in with the guy at the reception, the guy who knows him by name, asking if he left yet and waiting for him to do so.

Suddenly, he feels very, very tired and all that is left to do is leave. So he does.

That evening, he gets a call. He doesn't pick up. Then he gets another. For whatever reason, he picks up.

“What.”

“Hey, little Mo, missed me?”

“What do you want.”

 _Silence_.

“I'm sorry I wasn't there for pillow talk. Cheng called.”

_Silence._

“C'mon, Guan Shan, you know how it is. I'm really sorry.”

 _Sigh_.

“Whatever. You done?”

“Come to the basketball court, Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi are coming, too.”

“So you had time to make plans with that idiot and his sidekick but not to... fuck. I don't fucking care. Fuck. _Whatever_.”

“So you'll come?”

“Get off my ass.”

Guan Shan isn't quite sure what exactly motivates him to actually show up, but in the end he decides he'd go just to check if he... misunderstood. For closure, maybe.

It's already dark outside when Guan Shan hops on the train, not feeling like taking his scooter. Having no money for gas left may also be a factor. It's been a long month.

Approaching from the back, he sees Zhan Zheng Xi and He Tian sitting on the turf chatting with Jian Yi nowhere to be seen. Late as usual, Guan Shan guesses. The two alphas seem relaxed and unbothered by the cold night air.

“.... been treating you? You two still good?”

Still undiscovered, Guan Shan takes the opportunity to listen in on their little conversation. He's always been a little curious about what conversation between Zhan Zheng Xi and He Tian looks like. What alphas talk about when no beta or omega is around.

“Yeah, we're good,” Zhan Zheng Xi says. “It's nice. Having him close most of the time.”

He Tian laughs. “Still can't get over the fact that you're mated to a high schooler.”

Zhan Zheng Xi huffs a quiet laugh. “It's good for him to finish high school. He needs a little normalcy after everything.”

Guan Shan can only imagine what Jian Yi must have been through those two years he was gone. He knows from experience that a certain degree of normalcy does actually help if not heal. Nothing ever heals those types of wounds.

“Yeah, probably. I kinda missed his stupid pretty face,” He Tian says, handling the ball absentmindedly. Guan Shan isn't oblivious to the fact that He Tian always liked to look at Jian Yi. Maybe even had a small crush on him back in middle school. It never bothered him too much. It's different now, somehow.

“What about you?,” Zhan Zheng Xi asks, taking a sip from his water bottle.

“What about me?”

“When are you gonna get mated? Still waiting for the perfect omega?”

Guan Shan stiffens. He Tian chuckles.

“Perfect omega? Does that exist?,” he asks jokingly.

“What about Mo Guan Shan?”

Guan Shan's heart starts beating so loudly, he's scared they might hear it. He tries suppressing his hormones, too, but it's hard.

“You think little Mo is a perfect omega?” Guan Shan hears the grin in He Tian's voice there.

“Why not,” Zhan Zheng Xi shrugs.

Without really meaning to, Guan Shan closes his eyes. He leans against the wall he's hiding behind. The cold concrete feels good against the overheating skin of his neck.

“Nah,” He Tian says easily and Guan Shan gets ready for the blow, “Momo is the farthest from a perfect omega. He's not like Jian Yi. He's not submissive or affectionate. Sometimes I doubt he's an omega at all considering his – ”

Guan Shan doesn't want to hear the rest of it. He can't bear the humiliation. Not after how he felt last night. Not after he thought he could have this.

Without looking back, he runs to the nearest station and takes the very next train right back home. He swallows the tears and avoids the concerned glances from the other omegas who sense his hurt and smell his distressed pheromones. Even some mated alphas come closer to offer comfort. Guan Shan throws them all looks that clearly communicate _back off or else_.

So what if He Tian doesn't want to mate him? That was never part of his life plan, anyway. What does it matter that He Tian doesn't even think of him as an omega. They fucked. So what. People do that all the time. Sure, it was his first time and He Tian knew that, but sex is sex. Maybe Guan Shan was just another point on He Tian's to-do list before he joined the family business. A long-term conquest, of some sort. A project.

But Guan Shan is strong, he's always been strong and he knows what to do now. He needs to put an end to this. To all of this. No more _maybes_ no more _somedays_. This is reality. He's Mo Guan Shan, the sole son of the Mo family, an unlovable, incredibly stupid omega who lost sight of his goal for only a second and now has to bear the consequences.

Getting rid of He Tian is going to be the hardest part. He's always been so frustratingly clingy. Guan Shan will have to block that bastard's number, cut his ties with Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi, probably even move out, change his shifts at the restaurant or maybe go look for a new job. And then heal from the knowledge that what He Tian and he had the night before, was nothing more than a done and gone affair. Meaningless. Over.

Guan Shan was right. He Tian tries everything. He shows up to his apartment, tries calling him from different numbers, even tries to convince his mom to tell him where Guan Shan is. In the end, Guan Shan does move. It's not hard to find another shithole to stay in with what little belongings he has. He gets a job closer to his new place, at a small pharmacy he now helps out at. He liked the restaurant better but beggars can't be choosers, he's told. After he gets a new number, too, there is no trace left of He Tian and no way for him to find Guan Shan. Well, at least if he doesn't ask Cheng for help. But he instructed his mom to relay to He Tian that he does not want him to be part of his life, anymore. His pillows smell like himself and no one else, now.

Three months fly by and Guan is too busy to pay attention to his own health. Some days, he wakes up and has to immediately throw up, other days he feels exhausted and crampy for no reason. Maybe it's the lack of contact to other omegas. Omegas are weird about that kind of thing. Many claim they're touch-starved after a day of no contact. That's a constant state of existence for him, Guan Shan guesses. His mom would hug him whenever he visits her. But she's a beta. Omegas need contact with other omegas or alphas. Jian Yi usually made sure to touch Guan Shan a lot, when... He Tian wasn't around. But he doubts that something like touch-starvation has any impact on his well-being. That was just a myth, Guan Shan is sure.

But the circles beneath his eyes have to be quite disturbing based on his mother's reaction when he visits her a couple of days after Guan Shan finally unpacked the last box.

“Guan Shan, you need to take better care of yourself,” she scolds him.

Guan Shan helps himself to a second serving of the stew his mother made for dinner. His appetite has been through the roof those last couple of weeks.

“I do, mom, don't worry,” he assures her with a full mouth.

“Did you remember to tell your boss that your heat is coming up? It's been three months already, hasn't it? It's harder to keep track since you moved out.”

“My heat?,” Guan Shan wonders out loud. Has it really been three months already? Confused, he takes out his phone and opens the calendar app. His last heat was... in November. It's March now. So his heat should have happened in February. He even put in a reminder. It's been four months. Not three.

“Uh, “ Guan Shan says dumbly, “yeah, I have. She said it was fine.”

He usually doesn't lie to his mom, but he needs some time to process the information he just discovered.

Back at his own place, he takes out a piece of paper and a pen. He writes down the dates of his last heat and when his next heat should have happened. Stress could sometimes push back someone's heat, and Guan Shan is very stressed all the time. Maybe that is the reason. But... the throwing up all the time, the lack of sleep, the heightened appetite... his weight gain.

He had sex with He Tian a week after his last heat. Almost four months ago.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, during his break, Guan Shan buys a pregnancy test. Despite his employee discount that damn thing is too expensive for the pee stick that it is. Especially since he already knows what the result is going to be. It's pretty much undeniable at this point. If he were honest to himself, Guan Shan would admit that he's even showing a little already.

In the three minutes Guan Shan has to wait, sitting on the closed toilet seat in the back of the pharmacy, he has time to realize a lot of things. First, he could have put the money for the test towards the subway sandwich he was craving right now. Second, if he was actually pregnant, he'd be at four months, meaning it's too late for an abortion. Third, he feels the most alone he's ever felt in his life.

After the three minutes are over, he flushes for good measure and leaves the stinky cubicle. He shouldn't be as shocked as he is. But looking down on the positive test, he understands why you usually do this with a partner. No one to hold him, no one to tell him it's gonna be alright. It doesn't matter. Guan Shan shouldn't waste any thought on _woulds_ and _coulds_. On his way back to the front, after a moment of hesitation, he throws the stick in the trash by the door.

“Not the result you were hoping for?”

Startled, Guan Shan misses a step, he's shaky on his legs as is, so he almost falls on his ass. He does not have the strength to keep himself up, so he slowly slides down the wall and to the floor. For a moment, he accidentally slips. “I... uh, it's not – it's! Fuck... Fuck!”

He can't hold back the tears but he can hide his face in his hands. The boss lady approaches him carefully and puts a hand on his shaking shoulder.

“So not what you were hoping for,” she says calmly.

Guan Shan can only shake his head. “How... How did you know I was taking the test?”

She gave him a sympathetic smile. “I saw you throw away the stick, didn't I? I work at a pharmacy, I know what a pregnancy test looks like. Besides, I would have to be blind to not notice your bump.”

Guan Shan laughs wetly. He's truly an idiot.

“The alpha not around anymore?,” she asks.

He shakes his head again. “It was a one time thing, he... rejected me.”

“Oof, that's unfortunate. Do you have someone who can support you?”

Rubbing his eyes, Mo Guan Shan shrugs off the boss's hand. “No, but I have some money saved up. For college, but, yeah, that's not... gonna happen, I guess.”

“Well, it's not much, but you're one of our best employees and you'll always have work here,” the boss says empathetically.

“Thanks,” Mo murmurs, not having enough energy left to manage a sincere smile. At least he has a job. Income. He's strong, after all, he can get through this.

Two weeks later he finds himself in a baby supply store and doesn't exactly know why he ended up here. It was too early to shop for anything, but when he walked by, he couldn't help but go in. Everything is insanely overpriced. Trying to hide his baby bump under a large sweatshirt, he gets some curious glances from the employees. He'll ask around for used things when the time comes. Maybe his mom still has some of his own stuff.

When he finally told her, she was torn between happy and sad. Happy, because most moms hope to be grandmas someday, but sad because most moms also want their children to live the lives they imagined for themselves. They briefly entertained the idea of giving the baby up for adoption, but quickly realized that adoption was just no option. Family is of greatest importance to the Mos, after all. Guan Shan was relieved when his mom did not ask who's the baby was. She probably already knew. They also discussed if Guan Shan should move back in with his mom, but he refused. He enjoyed his independence. He worked hard for it.

Picking up a fluffy teddy bear, he spots a familiar face staring at him through the shop window.

“Fuck.” Shocked, Guan Shan drops the bear, and scrambles to hide somewhere in the shop. The baby clothes rack doesn't do much to hide him. He hears the entrance door open and lazy footsteps approaching.

“Long time no see, Mo Guan Shan.”

Guan Shan hasn't heard that voice in years.

He's got the same white hair and ragged appearance. No longer the slim boy from the past, he now fills out his ripped shirt and destroyed jeans.

“She Li,” Guan Shan greets him tensely. She Li takes one good look at him and a sleazy grin starts forming on his lips. His eyes focus on Guan Shan's middle.

“And what do we have here? Who knocked you up, little Mo? Don't tell me you let that bastard He Tian have it?”

Guan Shan gives him a hateful look but doesn't respond. He tries looking for escape routes but the one way out is blocked by She Li, as usual. He never managed to shake off his fear of She Li completely and he has the feeling, he never will.

“Leave me alone,” Guan Shan says, mustering up all the courage left in him.

“Oh, that's how it is, huh. Where's the lucky bastard, leaving his omega all alone and defenseless?”

“Who's alone and defenseless? He's not my fucking alpha, okay. I'm not his omega.”

She Li only laughs at that and Guan Shan's defensive stance. “That lucky bastard. Hit and run, was it? Does he at least know?”

Guan Shan avoids his cold eyes.

“Well, I told you in middle school, and I'll tell you now,” She Li takes a step forward, his breath hitting Guan Shan's face, “you're mine anyway. I'll raise the brat, I don't care.”

“Fuck off,” Guan Shan mumbles weakly.

“Think about it, Momo. I promise to help you. And you know I always keep my promises. You know where to find me.” With that he finally backs off. Throwing Guan Shan one last mock salute, the alpha leaves the store.

Guan Shan exhales shakily, the tension falling from him like rain from the clouds. He supports himself on one of the display shelves, his hand resting on his belly.

“Are you alright, sir? We called for security just in case,” one of the clerks says when he hesitantly approaches Guan Shan. So that's why She Li left so abruptly.

“Yeah, yeah... I just need a minute,” he assures him.

He buys the teddy bear out of politeness. He can't actually afford it, but he guesses he can skip dinner tonight. He feels like throwing up, anyway.

Guan Shan goes to some pregnancy check-up thing the week after that. He's the only one in the waiting room that doesn't have a partner with him. He's not sure how that makes him feel, yet.

Opposite from him sits a male omega with an even bigger belly than him. Next to him, holding his hand and softly talking with him, seems to be his mate. They seem to be a couple of years older than Guan Shan, matching rings on their fingers. Meanwhile, Guan Shan calculates how he can actually pay for this appointment. His mom offered to pay half and the way it looks right now, he's gonna have to take her up on it.

“Mo Guan Shan?”

Guan Shan stands up as quickly as he can with his belly in the way. The other omega gives him a sympathetic smile. Guan Shan looks away quickly. The nurse leads him into a lowly lit room with a slim cot next to a huge machine with a monitor that kinda looks old-fashioned and straight from the future at the same time.

“Doctor Zhao will be with you in a minute, please lay down and pull up your shirt in the meantime,” the nurse instructs.

He feels weirdly out of place, lying on that cot with his belly exposed. It's the first time he actually takes a good look at it, he realizes. His belly, that is. He can't quite imagine that there is an actual baby inside of him. While male omega pregnancy isn't exactly rare, Guan Shan never really had contact with one, either. A flat chest and then a bump. He knows his breasts won't fill with milk and that he will have to feed the baby formula, but still. There is a baby inside of him. His baby. His and... He Tian's baby. He can only imagine how nervous He Tian would be, sitting here with him. No, he'd probably bring him to a better doctor, some kind of genius in the field. He'd made sure the baby had the best possible care. Or maybe not. He didn't want Guan Shan either, so why would he want the baby?

“Good afternoon, Mr. Mo, I'm Doctor Zhao,” said the white-clad beta woman suddenly walking into the room, “how are you feeling today?”

Guan Shan clears his throat awkwardly. “Good.”

Doctor Zhao raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment. She sits down on the stool noisily and starts preparing the ultrasound.

“Alright, Mr. Mo, please relax, the gel is cold,” she warns him.

The gel is indeed cold, but Guan Shan concentrates on the screen instead. All of a sudden, there is a baby. Or something that roughly resembles a baby. A little bean with little arms and little legs. Guan Shan's throat suddenly gets very dry, and his eyes very wet. He _made_ that.

“It's looking all good, Mr. Mo. Would you like to know the gender?”

“The... gender? How much would that, uh, cost?,” Guan Shan asks, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

Doctor Zhao smiles sadly. Guan Shan hates the look on her face, it's too close to pity.

“Not a penny, Mr. Mo,” she assures him.

“O –okay then.”

“It's a boy.”

 _A boy_. A small sob escapes him without his permission. Immediately ashamed of his emotional outburst, he sits up abruptly, pulling down his shirt in the process. He can't afford pregnancy clothes at the moment, so all his clothes are a little too tight. He somewhat wipes the gel up with his hoodie, not minding the stickiness in the moment. All he knows is that he has to leave, that it's too much too soon and that he needs to be alone right now. A hand on his knee interrupts his weak flight attempt.

“Mr. Mo, I don't want to butt in on your business, but please know that there are some programs that might help you,” Doctor Zhao says. Guan Shan sniffs indignantly.

“I'm fine,” he says.

“Can the father help out? Are they in the picture?”

Guan Shan briefly wonders how many times he'll have to answer that specific question in the next eighteen to twenty years. He wonders if responding will ever get easier.

“He's not. Thank you for your time, I have to go,” Guan Shan says.

“Wait,” Doctor Zhao says when Guan Shan is already halfway through the door, “do you not want the print out? I can print it out multiple times, but that'll cost more.”

Guan Shan hesitates. “Once is enough,” he mumbles.

He leaves the building with a crumbled picture of his baby in his pants pocket and with rocks in his stomach.

It's been five months.

For some reason, Guan Shan makes a habit of carrying the damn picture around with him. Sometimes, when it's not too busy in the pharmacy, he looks at it and wonders how something so precious can come out of one night of weakness.

He's shown the picture to his mom, and then to his dad a few days after when he visited him. His boss caught him looking at it so he showed it to her, too. They all congratulated him but he doesn't know what for exactly.

Yesterday, he stood in his tiny apartment and wondered where a baby would have room to grow. There is no spare room in his apartment that could be transformed into a nursery. They'd have to share a room. Jian Yi would have had fun redecorating the apartment and making it child friendly. He'd probably be ecstatic. Sometimes Guan Shan misses all of them. Their easy friendship. When he sits around in the evening, eating dinner alone and watching TV he thinks about how only five months ago one of the guys would have pestered him to do something. Now he's not sure he could bare the sight of Jian Yi.

Sometimes, he misses cooking, too. He can't afford the kinds of ingredients he regularly bought with He Tian's money for them to eat. He's got to cut back even more now, despite his college savings. A baby is expensive, his mom warned him. She asked around her colleagues and friends for baby things and actually managed to get a crib for cheap. Guan Shan picked it up yesterday. He had some trouble getting it up the stairs to his apartment, especially since he knew he shouldn't carry such heavy things right now. But with no one there to help him, he managed on his own. He assembled it on his own, too. Put it right next to his bed. He put the teddy bear he bought the day he met She Li inside, as well.

It looked out of place in his tiny, shabby bedroom.

He won't be able to offer the baby much, but at least he'll be there for him.

Working while pregnant is tiring. Guan Shan can't really bend over much, or pick things up. He has to sit down often and pee even more often. But his boss is sympathetic, at least. She lets him take breaks frequently and allows him to drink water when he needs to. That's exactly what Guan Shan is doing when the bell over the entrance chimes to alert him of a new costumer. He stands with his back to the counter and takes a long gulp of water.

“One moment,” he says and stores away the bottle.

When he doesn't get an answer or hears footsteps approaching the counter, his brows furrow. He slowly turns around and he swears time stops for a moment.

It's been five months. Five fucking months since he last saw that stupid face. Guan Shan managed to flee his grasp for five pathetic months.

He Tian looks harder. More mature. Five months can't change a person that much, but it's true. He Tian looks like he's a million years old. Guan Shan can only stare at him for minute until he remembers to hide his belly. It's hard these days and his too tight clothes don't help either.

He Tian's eyes fall from his face to his baby bump. They widen as realization hits.

“Guan Shan,” is the first thing He Tian says. Guan Shan almost missed it, it was so quiet.

“It's not yours,” is the first thing Guan Shan says.

It feels surreal, having this meeting in a pharmacy, ten feet apart. He Tian must agree cause he closes the distance between them quickly. Standing on the other side of the counter, he reaches out a hand as if to touch Guan Shan's face, but Guan Shan takes a cautious step back. He's never liked when he Tian wore gloves. They only meant one thing and Guan Shan didn't like the thought of that.

“Guan Shan,” He Tian says again. He sounds exhausted.

“What.” Guan Shan is exhausted, too.

“Do you have any idea how long I've been looking for you?,” He Tian asks, voice quiet. He stares at Guan Shan with empty eyes, as if he still can't quite believe Guan Shan was actually there.

“How did you find me?” Does he really want to know? Does it even fucking matter? He'll leave in a matter of minutes, anyway.

He Tian laughs humorlessly. “I wanted to buy some aspirin for my headache. And there you were. It was that easy, in the end. Fuck.”

“So you didn't ask Cheng for help? Probably wasn't worth the effort, was it?”

He Tian furrows his brows. “I did ask Cheng. But he couldn't find a lease with your name, or insurance or anything.”

Mo Guan Shan looks away, mildly proud. “I didn't sign any written contracts. And I'm not insured.”

He Tian takes in a sharp inhale. “Mo, you're pregnant and you're not insured?”

Ashamed, Guan Shan turns away. He doesn't need to hear this. Doesn't need to hear accusations and answer insulting questions. They were over. They never were anything to begin with.

“Buy the fucking aspirin and then leave. This is none of your business,” he says as he grabs for the aspirin and throws it on the counter between them. He Tian looks at him as if Guan Shan had just broken his heart. As if he had broken the hearts of every person alive. It's an unbearable sight, so he looks away.

“What happened, Guan Shan? Just because I left that morning?,” He Tian asks, desperation laced in with his voice. When Guan Shan doesn't respond, he continues, “I had to, Cheng said he would come over with some of his underlings and I knew you wouldn't want them to see you like that. I didn't know that... business... would take the whole day. I would have left you a note, if I did. Please, Guan Shan.”

Guan Shan doesn't know what He Tian's asking him for, but he's not willing to give anything at the moment. He's got nothing left to give, anyway.

“I don't fucking care,” he snarls, “that night didn't happen for all I care. It doesn't matter. Can't you see? I'm pregnant with someone else's child. You should fuck right back off. I don't need you and you don't want me anyway – “

“I don't want you?,” He Tian interrupts loudly. “I've been chasing after you since middle school! How could you possibly fucking think that I don't want you? That night, when you kissed me and let me hold you, I was the happiest fucking man in the world! I hoped for that to happen for five years! It's only ever been you for me, Guan Shan. I can't imagine a world in which I don't fucking want you!”

Guan Shan is taken aback by the sudden outburst, but only for a moment. Then he remembers the day after.

“Oh yeah? How come that you told Zhan Zheng Xi something entirely fucking different then?,” Guan Shan shouts back. He's lucky the pharmacy is usually empty at this late an hour.

“Zhan Zheng Xi? What has he got to do with anything?” He Tian asks, somewhat annoyed judging by his exasperated sigh. His hair is shorter. It doesn't fall into his face anymore like it did five months ago.

“At the basketball court. The day after. I was there when you talked to Zhan Zheng Xi. I heard what you said about me and... Jian Yi,” Guan Shan says quietly.

“What are you even talking about?,” He Tian sounds raw now. It's not often that he lets down all of his walls like this.

“Oh, come the fuck on, He Tian! Too bad that Jian Yi mated with someone else, so sorry for your loss. But would it have killed you to not involve me in that? You fucking knew that I... that I had feelings for you and you fucking used me to get over fucking Jian Yi? And then you dare go around telling people that you think that I don't even properly qualify as an omega? Fucking thank you, asshole! Well, look at me now, it can't be any more obvious that I'm a fucking omega now, can it?”

He Tian looks completely stunned. He's probably never been yelled at like that by an omega.

“I never said that you don't qualify as an omega. I think what I said was that you're not a traditionally perfect omega like Jian Yi,” He Tian says quietly. “Because you're not! And I never expected or wanted you to be. I just wanted to be with you. That one conversation was enough for you to forget everything we've ever been through together? I've loved you since we were 15, Guan Shan. Before any of us had presented. I never fucking cared if you were to be an alpha or beta or omega. I would have wanted you either way!”

Guan Shan hates himself for crying. He cried way too much these last couple of months. Those fucking hormones. What he would have given to hear those words from He Tian five months ago, the morning after. Or the day after on the phone. Or one month ago, when he made that stupid pregnancy test. A week ago at the gynecologist. Yesterday, when he assembled the crib.

“Well,” he croaks, “it's too late now.”

He Tian surprises him by suddenly reaching out and grabbing Guan Shan's hand. The leather of the glove feels cool against his skin.

“Why is it too late? Are you mated to the father? Is that it?” He Tian sounds desperate. Maybe he is. Guan Shan sniffles but shakes his head. He's not even trying to shake off He Tian's hand. It's almost funny that every major change in their relationship starts with He Tian reaching for his hand.

“Then it's not too late. You think I care that you're pregnant now? Because I don't!”

“I said it's not yours. You want me even though I'm carrying someone else's child?” He's not sure why he's lying. Maybe to test He Tian. To see how far He Tian is really willing to go for him.

“If you'll have me, then I don't care! Just say you love me, too, and we'll raise the baby together. It'll be mine.”

“It's a boy,” Mo says, as if that mattered right now.

He Tian smiles sadly. “Then I'll raise him as my son,” he says. “Please Guan Shan, give us a chance. Please. I'll never leave you, believe me, I tried to stop loving you. It doesn't fucking work. I looked for you every day these past five months. Ask your mom! I visit her at least once a week.”

Damn his mom. Of course she wouldn't tell him about the visits. He told her to stop asking about He Tian, so she stopped mentioning him. But this was all too good to be true. It was too much for a regular Tuesday evening. It wasn't part of the plan. The plan was to raise the baby alone, to work hard for them both to be able to live relatively freely. Once again, He Tian ruined all his plans.

“What if I told you the baby's She Li's? What if the day after we did it, I went to She Li and let him fuck me? What if the baby has white hair like him?,” Guan Shan cried for no particular reason.

He Tian takes away his hand and for a moment Guan Shan is sure that he did it again. Self-sabotaged himself, like he usually did. But then He Tian walks around the counter and before Guan Shan can do anything, He Tian has his arms around him. One on his neck and the other around his waist. The touch felt familiar, still, and it struck him to the core. He can't remember the last time an alpha touched him. The comfort he feels in He Tian's embrace is unwanted but undeniable. A shaky breath stutters through his lungs and shiver after shiver run down his body. He's shaking. Maybe there is such a thing as touch-starved, after all.

“I don't care. I'll raise him and he'll be my son. Family is more than genetics,” He Tian whispers into Guan Shan's hair. If he notices Guan Shan reacting this intensely to his closeness, he doesn't show it.

And just like that Guan Shan gives up. His shoulders sag and his tears flow, and he clings to He Tian like he always, always wanted to.

“He's yours,” Guan Shan whispers. It feels good saying it. To finally say something true. “He's yours.”

“Yes,” He Tian simply says and kisses his hair.

“No you stupid asshole,” Guan Shan yells and promptly hits He Tian in the chest. “I mean it, he's yours. It's your baby! Why did you think condoms you bought when you were 15 would still be good to use? How stupid are you? Those things fucking expire!”

He Tian, maybe for the first time ever, looks flabbergasted. He pulls Guan Shan back in only a second later, and Guan Shan is glad for it after realizing what he just admitted. He Tian seems to smell his distressed pheromones and releases some calming ones. Guan Shan hates how effective they are. He immediately relaxes and and lets his head thump against He Tian's shoulder, hiding his face very close to his scent glands. He's missed this more than he'd like to admit.

“Fuck, Mo,” He Tian sighs. “I can't say that I'm sorry, cause I'm not. This is... everything I've ever wanted.”

Guan Shan hits him over the head, this time. “Good for you then, you selfish fucking alpha asshole! I wanted to go to college!”

Baffled, He Tian says, “But you can still go? I can take him with me when you have to go to class. Or Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi can take him, or your mom, or brother Qiu!”

“I'm supposed to let some mafia guy babysit my baby? And you take him with you when you go to take out a guy that can't pay his debts? I don't want my son to be raised like that!”

He Tian's face falls. “I was raised by some mafia guy.”

“My point exactly, you're a fucking mess! You constantly have nightmares, abandonment issues, and a serious possessive streak!”

With raised eyebrows, He Tian lets his arms fall from around Guan Shan. “Can we maybe not talk about my shortcomings and about how we will raise our baby in the middle of a pharmacy?”

“I agree, as much as I enjoy the show, Mo Guan Shan you can clock out early today,” the boss suddenly says, startling the both of them. He Tian immediately takes on a defensive stance, shielding Guan Shan from the elderly lady, one hand almost coming into contact with Guan Shan's belly. Guan Shan slaps the hand away and pushes He Tian to the side. “Fuck off, that's my boss,” he says to He Tian, “I'm sorry, boss, this wasn't planned.”

“Just Go home, Mo Guan Shan, it's late anyway,” the boss says and waves them away.

“Thank you,” He Tian says, bowing slightly before grabbing Guan Shan's hand and more or less gently drags him towards the entrance.

“I need my fucking bag,” Guan Shan says, pulling himself free before going to the back to get his jacket and backpack. On his way he doesn't miss the wink his boss gives him. Fucking fantastic. Somehow he feels like the second half of his pregnancy will be even more difficult than the first.


	3. Chapter 3

He Tian, dressed in his expensive cashmere blend coat and his silky smooth dress shirt with a watch around his wrist that probably costs more than the building they're standing in, definitely looks out of place in Guan Shan's shabby apartment. And it makes him uncomfortable. The stained wallpaper and the broken window, the run-down floor and the old, mismatched furniture. Guan Shan suddenly remembers the dirty dishes in his sink from last night when he was too tired to wash them. He hopes He Tian doesn't notice them. Then again, Guan Shan knows what He Tian's place looks like after neither he or a house keeper hasn't come by for a couple of days. He wonders what state his place is in now.

Guan Shan watches He Tian look around warily. At the small kitchenette, the even smaller bathroom and the tiny crib next to his tiny bed. He Tian stops there, smiling to himself. Then he leans down and picks up the teddy bear Guan Shan had put on the simply white and yellow striped baby bed sheets he bought secondhand.

“This is cute,” He Tian says.

“It was expensive,” Guan Shan says, feeling pressured to vindicate himself for the cheap mess that is his apartment. It's hard to keep so little space neat, though he tries his best. The general condition of the apartment doesn't help, either. No matter how well he actually cleaned, it would always look filthy, anyway.

Not putting down the bear in his hand, He Tian turns to face him. “Would you...,” he starts but doesn't continue. He swallows thickly.

“What?,” Guan Shan prompts. He feels lost in this situation. Unsure what to do or say with He Tian now in front of him after only seeing him in his nightmares for the last couple of months. He tries hard not to fall back into his old defensiveness and stubborn attitude. But being open and speaking honestly feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It feels like they're two strangers speaking completely different languages, despite knowing each other better than anyone else. This situation is so, so strange and Guan Shan yearns for something that is familiar instead.

He Tian sighs. “I mean, I understand that you might not... want to be with me. But I just want to offer you to move into my apartment. You could have your own room, and the baby can have his own room, too. I just... I know how it is to grow up without a dad and I just want the baby to grow up with both his parents in the picture.”

Guan Shan looks away, surprised. He worked hard for this apartment, despite it being not much. The thought of giving it up to move into He Tian's apartment feels like all his hard work was for naught. The thought of living in He Tian's apartment, a place filled with all kinds of bad memories, and raising their son there, makes Guan Shan feel sick.

“No,” Guan Shan says resolutely.

He Tian's shoulders drop. And then all of a sudden, he looks like the 15-year old boy that got rejected after a forceful kiss. A kid dressed up as a mafia boss. _Do I disgust you that much?_

“Please, Guan Shan. Don't do this,” he says forlornly. “What do you want me to do? I just found you, I can't...” And then the funniest thing happens. He Tian sobs once, quickly, and hides his face in his hands and if Guan Shan didn't know better, he'd say that he's crying. His whole frame starts to shake. It's a miserable sight. It's not right.

Guan Shan takes the few steps it needs to be by He Tian's side, takes his hands away from his face and pulls off the leather gloves he's still wearing without even thinking about it. He lets them fall to the floor, uncaring. He then gently, with shaking hands, puts He Tian's right hand on his belly. It's the first time he's allowed anyone to touch it.

“Stop crying, loser,” he whispers, “the, uh, baby hates it.”

The baby is, coincidentally, what Guan Shan likes to call _squirming around_. He started feeling the baby move only a couple of days ago. It's a feeling that's hard to describe. It's somewhat creepy at first but then it slowly became a reminder that he is not alone anymore. It has become a comfort. A reaffirmation that Guan Shan is capable of sustaining a life, that the baby is happy and healthy and growing inside of him. A motivation to keep going. Maybe it can be the same for He Tian, too, Guan Shan thinks.

He Tian looks at his hand on Guan Shan's belly in wonder, and then at Guan Shan's face.

“This is amazing,” he murmurs in astonishment.

“I'm not moving into your apartment,” Guan Shan repeats and when He Tian's face falls again, he quickly continues, “but we can find a new place together. We'll share the rent so don't get any fucking ideas.”

He Tian looks at him intently and just when it's starting to get a little unnerving, He Tian puts both his hands on Guan Shan's face. Guan Shan braces himself for a kiss he's not sure he's ready for, yet. Instead, He Tian says, “Mo Guan Shan. I'm the baby's dad. My family is rich as fuck. I am rich as fuck. The baby is rich as fuck. We are not moving into just another shitty apartment, and you will not keep working your ass off to pay rent when I could literally buy us ten houses without making a dent in my account. Let me do this one thing. For our baby.”

Guan Shan turns his head away, trying to shake off He Tian's hands. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid.

“Forget it,” he says as he goes to the kitchen to get started on the dirty dishes. He Tian would leave soon anyway. “It's better to have separate places, anyway.”

He Tian comes after him right away. “Why? I would never bring home anything work-related.”

Guan Shan lets the sink fill with water and puts on rubber gloves to distract himself from He Tian standing right behind him. “That's not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean? Talk to me, fuck. How did we go from moving in together to this?”

Guan Shan sighs. He picks up the sponge and begins cleaning of the dirty plate from dinner yesterday. He didn't have anything for breakfast or lunch, trying to save up for the next doctor's appointment in a couple of days. He hates the thought of denying his baby nutrition but there is just no other way to save up money.

“I worked hard for this. For this shitty apartment and the shitty crib and the shitty life I have. And now you want me to live off of you? Be dependent on you?”

This time, it's He Tian who sighs. He lets his head drop onto Guan Shan's shoulder. For a moment, Guan Shan tenses. It's heavy but not uncomfortable. It's warm and He Tian's hair smells fresh despite the late hour. He simply continues doing the dishes and tries to ignore the sudden affection, mostly because he is unsure about how to... respond to it.

“Could you please stop assuming I have the worst intentions always and all the time?,” He Tian says lowly. “Because no. I don't want you to be dependent on me. I would just like to know that my family is happy and healthy and not worrying about things that don't need to be worried about.”

Guan Shan swallows thickly. Is this what he's been doing? Assuming the worst? He's quite aware that he usually expects the worst possible outcome from a situation but that is solely due to him being used to the worst possible outcome happen most of the times. But maybe it's time to stop expecting the worst and start hoping for the best.

Guan Shan tries to relax his shoulders and sets down the sponge. Unsure, he slightly turns his head, the tip of his nose brushing He Tian's soft hair. This is not a fight, this is a conversation, he realizes. His pride is not under attack.

“So what then?,” he asks timidly. He Tian has gone completely still, probably nervous he could scare Guan Shan away by moving even an inch.

“I won't... _snap_ , okay,” Guan Shan reassures him reluctantly, drying off his soapy hands.

He Tian exhales somewhat shakily and startles Guan Shan when both his arms slowly snake around Guan Shan's waist before carefully settling on top of his belly. The gentle touch is unfamiliar. Guan Shan never lets anyone touch it before He Tian. Not because he is shy or ashamed but because He Tian is not the only possessive one. It's _his_ baby. He's got to protect his baby.

“This is nice,” He Tian mumbles. Guan Shan can't believe his audacity when He Tian starts rubbing his forehead against his scent glands. Then again, he doubts He Tian is even aware of the action. He's an alpha, after all, he's got his own set of instincts to match Guan Shan's. And Guan Shan's instinct tell him to release just about the sweetest pheromones right now and to offer his neck. He can only imagine what He Tian's instincts are telling him to do.

“He Tian.”

“Mh?”

“So no apartment. You want me to move into the fucking family estate?,” he takes a steadying breath, “Because I don't want that.”

“Noooo,” He Tian mumbles, totally blissed out by the sweet pheromones Guan Shan is releasing more or less against his will. “I'll buy us a house. Nothing too big. With a big fucking garden for our kids and dogs to play in. Oh, and a guest house for your mother.”

Guan Shan huffs, “How about a moderate sized-garden and a guest room, you spoiled asshole.”

He Tian nuzzles his scent glands gently and Guan Shan tries not to tense at the affectionate touch.

“A small house. One bedroom for us, one for the baby, two more? Three more for more babies, and one guest room. I'll call Cheng tomorrow,” He Tian mumbles.

Guan Shan furrows his brows. Cheng? No. _No!_ He takes He Tian's hands off of his belly and shakes his head off of his shoulder, too. Putting a few feet of distance between them, he already feels clearer in his head without all of He Tian's pheromones clouding his mind. He Tian looks at him confused and hurt.

“Cheng? No, He Tian, I don't want fucking Cheng to buy us a house! I don't want to live in a mafia sponsored villa, or something! Fuck,” he takes a steadying breath, “what if one day you'll decide you don't want to be with me anymore? I wasn't exactly your first choice, was I? The house is yours, everything is yours, and I won't have anything but a kid to feed!”

He Tian looks even more hurt at that. His shoulders droop and the excited sparkle in his eyes from before dims. He sighs, shakes his head and grabs for something in his pants pocket.

“Can I smoke?,” he asks, his voice back to a cool neutral tone. Guan Shan nods his head dumbly, weakly pointing at the window. He Tian takes a lighter and a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and shakes one out before lightening it at the open window.

“Look,” he says, inhaling and then exhaling the smoke, ”I know that you somehow think I would rather have Jian Yi but I just want to be really clear: I don't. You misunderstood. Jian Yi is pretty much the perfect omega, yeah. But not for me. He's pretty, yeah. So are you. I want you. I love you. And if you think one day I'll leave – and I won't – we just gotta get married. Have a contract. If I leave, you get the house, you get whatever you want.”

Guan Shan doesn't say anything. He Tian takes another drag from his cigarette. “I'd love for this to be romantic,” He Tian continues, ”I'm a romantic, that's just how it is. But you can't do that. You need something solid, fact. I get it. So here are the facts.” He stubs out his cigarette, exhales smoke one more time and makes his way over to Guan Shan. Guan Shan takes a step back, cautiously. He Tian ignores him and simply takes Guan Shan's face in both his hands, his fingers smelling like smoke and fire, and looks at him intensely.

“Here are the facts,” He Tian repeats, “I love you. I want you. I want this baby. And many more, actually. I won't leave you. I won't leave you for Jian Yi, ever. I get hurt, too. You hurt me and you keep hurting me. We're in this together. So. I told you my facts. Tell me yours.”

Back in middle school, Guan Shan suddenly recalls, He Tian was one of those weird 15-year olds that switched from goofy kid to too-mature-for-his-age young man in the blink of an eye. He knows now that it's trauma that caused him to be like that. He's been exposed to murder and crime and torture all his life. Now, there is not much – _if any_ – left of the goofy kid part and Guan Shan fears that him running away was one of the reasons for that goofy, carefree part to disappear completely. And he's still the reason. By being hostile and constantly rejecting and hurting He Tian. No other alpha would have stuck around. None. Not for an omega like him. Maybe it's time to not fight the one alpha he's probably ever going to accept. The only alpha he'll ever want. He's allowed to want. Wanting is living. When you stop wanting things, Guan Shan now realizes, you stop living. Like he did. He stopped living a long while ago. He's too young to just exist day to day, waiting for something, anything, good or bad, to happen instead of making things happen himself. And he wants to make things happen.

“My facts,” Guan Shan takes a deep breath and reaches out for He Tian's hand hesitantly, “are that I... want this to work. I don't want to do this alone. I don't want my baby to grow up without a dad, too. Not like me. Or you. And I want this to work with you. I... want... _you_.”

That last part is painful to admit. It makes Guan Shan feel vulnerable and he never much liked to seem anything but untouchable in front of others.

He Tian holds Guan Shan's hand tightly, almost too tightly. His face is unreadable.

“But?,” He Tian asks quietly.

Of course he picked up on the silent _but_.

“But,” Guan Shan starts, “let's do this slowly. Y'know, go on dates and stuff before fucking buying a house and getting married. I think I need to get used to the idea of you being a dependable father. Proof. Yeah, I need proof.”

“Okay,” He Tian says quickly, “I'll proof to you that I'll be good to you. To you both.”

He sounds determined and his facial expression reminds Guan Shan of his basketball game face. Like he is ready for a challenge and ready to win.

“I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday. You can come, y'know, if you wanna,” Guan Shan mumbles, looking to the side. Standing so close to He Tian, it's hard hiding his slight blush.

He Tian smiles, _smug bastard_ , and leans in to kiss Guan Shan's cheek tenderly.

“Thank you,” he says.

For what, Guan Shan doesn't know, but he does know that he feels the need to say it back. But as always, he doesn't. At least not yet. Maybe after Thursday.


	4. Chapter 4

On Thursday, Guan Shan wakes up feeling jittery and restless. Before his alarm has time to wake him up, he's already up and in the kitchen, clicking on the coffee machine before realizing that he shouldn't drink coffee while pregnant. Coffee is bad for pregnant people, right? He thinks he's read that somewhere. So he makes tea instead. Tea should be fine. It's just water and some leaves, after all, _right_?

He pours the tea down the drain and settles on a glass of juice. Vitamin C and all that. That can't be bad. He quickly devours two toasts with the last bit of butter he has left. They're dry as they go down his throat. Afterwards, he takes a thorough shower and actually puts thought into what he's gonna wear. Not for He Tian, of course. His mother just taught him to always dress nicely when he goes to the doctor, that's all. No other reason. It's not like they're going on a date or anything. It's just a doctor's appointment. He Tian is just coming along. Casual. Easy. Guan Shan drops his keys twice before leaving his apartment.

When he walks to the train station he tries to avoid the friendly faces of passersby. Why does everyone feel the need to always smile at pregnant people? Do they think that every pregnant person is constantly happy, and appreciative of their attention? Pregnant people are people. Guan Shan tries pulling his jacket over his belly but there's simply not enough fabric anymore. He looks at his feet, instead, brows pulled together, following the logic of _they can't see me if I can't see them_. He'll be mature another day, for sure. Not today, though.

At the station, Guan Shan hops onto the subway just in time before the doors close. Worst case scenario, he would've waited for the next train and just be a little late. Who cares. He doesn't care, of course. Casual. Easy.

He's just about to look for a seat when a dark-haired alpha jumps up from his own seat.

“Please, have my seat,” he says cheerily, a wide, genuine smile on his tan face.

“It's fine,” Guan Shan mutters and tries to pass him.

The alpha grabs for his arm and stops him. “No really, the train's pretty full, you won't find another seat. Just take mine, I don't mind!”

Guan Shan eyes the hand on him. Does this guy have a savior complex or something, he wonders briefly. Just cause he's pregnant doesn't mean that he's everyone's business or that everyone should feel free to put their hands on him, what the hell.

“It's fine,” he repeats, “Let go.”

“I'm just trying to be nice, no need to be rude,” the guy argues.

“And he's gonna kick you in the balls if you don't stop being nice, believe me,” a bored voice says from behind Guan Shan. Shivers run down his spine. That voice haunts him at night. It's the same voice that causes him to wake up in a cold sweat every now and again. It's the last thing he needs on a day like this. The owner of the voice is the last person Guan Shan would want to see. Ever.

“Are you his alpha or what? Mind your business,” the nice-guy alpha says angrily.

“Fuck no,” Guan Shan says at the same time She Li says “yes”.

The guy looks at them skeptically. “Whatever,” he finally mutters and sits back down, immediately pulling out his phone.

Guan Shan avoids looking at She Li and thereby misses She Li grabbing for his arm, much like the other guy, and dragging him to the other end of the wagon.

“Fuck off,” Guan Shan says, trying to pull his arm free. Some people look at them weirdly but nobody intervenes. Typical.

Finally, She Li sits him down on an empty seat and squats down in front of it. His bangs fall into his face like usual and his heavy-lidded, sleazy-looking eyes are bloodshot. He looks like shit and exactly how Guan Shan feels right about now. He was better looking as a teenager, that's for sure. But years of abusing himself and others leave their traces. Cheeks and eyes are sunken in, skin matte and lifeless, and some open wounds on his neck and knuckles – he could really use a spa day, Guan Shan muses in his unease.

“What do you want,” he spits.

She Li smiles. “How's the pregnancy going? Almost six months, right? Is it a boy or a girl? I need to know what color to paint the nursery.”

Guan Shan grimaces, the hairs in his neck standing up straight. “What are you even fucking talking about?”

She Li reaches for Guan Shan's belly but he slaps the hand away reflexively. She Li raises a slim eyebrow but doesn't try again.

“I said I'd raise the brat. It's not like daddy is in the picture anyway, and I still don't see a mark on your neck.”

“No need. I took care of it. I don't want or need your help.” Guan Shan is seething.

She Li gets closer. He's always liked to intimidate Guan Shan by invading his personal space. Guan Shan refuses to be intimidated anymore, but he can't help the goosebumps.

“I think you misunderstood something, Mo Guan Shan. I'm not offering my help,” She Li says slowly, “Remember how I saved your life? You owe me. You see, when I got sick as a kid, that kinda did something to my, you know, _private parts_. It just so happens that I can't produce offspring myself. A shame, really. But still, it would be nice to have someone to carry on the legacy. My family counts on me for that. And that's where you come in. You owe me, Mo. That baby? It's going to be mine. A life for a life.”

Guan Shan can't breathe. He can't feel his limbs or else he'd move. He'd run and scream and get away as quickly as possible. His heart is beating in his throat.

“Oh, and you'll be free of all your debt, too, doesn't that sound nice? I think that's a good deal,” She Li continues, but Guan Shan barely hears him anymore. He needs to snap out of this stupor now. He thinks about She Li's cold eyes, about knives and blood and pain and constant threats and intimidation. He took all of it for years. But it's not just him anymore. He maybe has given up on himself but not on his baby. He flares his nostrils and fixes his gaze on She Li.

“Listen to me, you asshole,” he hisses, “if you're going to even look at my baby I swear to you the He family is going to come for you, but that won't even be your biggest problem. I'm going to be your biggest problem.”

With that he quickly stands up, pushes She Li away so that he falls flat on his ass and makes for the doors that are just about to open. Thankfully, it's even the right stop. He hadn't even noticed the train stopping once before. He steps through the door when She Li reaches him.

“You think he's gonna take care of the kid? Don't be stupid, Mo. He's his father's son. The family business will always be most important to him. And you will be replaced for a prettier, younger model in a couple of years. I know it and you know it,” She Li shouts after him. “And you'll come crawling back to me!”

Guan Shan just runs up the stairs quickly, trying to ignore what She Li shouts his way. He might even continue his monologue but the doors finally close and She Li is carried away.

Guan Shan hurries out of the busy train station, rounds a corner, leans against a rough brick wall, and plops down on the ground, burying his face in his shaking hands. Just his luck. Just his fucking luck. Does She Li have a tracker on him, or something? Guan Shan briefly entertains the idea of stripping down in a bathroom stall and looking for any strange devices on him. But no. His mind is playing tricks on him, that's all. He has somewhere to be. He can't be late. He has an appointment. An important one, at that. He needs to get his shit together now.

There's no way She Li could take his baby. No way. He won't let that happen. He Tian wouldn't let that happen. That's right, He Tian promised to be there for them, to support and protect them. Even if he won't mark or bond with Guan Shan, the baby will still be his family. And He Tian values family. At least his son will be safe. He can depend on that. He Tian assured him he could depend on him.

With that thought in mind, Guan Shan gets up, his legs wobbly and his vision a little foggy. Someone approaches him.

“Are you alright? Do you need help?,” an alpha woman says to him, bending over to talk to him as if he were a spooked child.

“Why the fuck does everyone fucking think I need help. _Fuck_. I'm fucking pregnant not disabled,” Guan Shan grumbles and passes the flabbergasted woman. Guan Shan bites his lip. That woman just meant well and he snapped at her for no reason. He quickens his step,

Thankfully it's not too far to the hospital, but far enough for Guan Shan to calm down a little. He needs to focus. She Li? Not important. What's important is this appointment and if his son is happy and healthy. That's all that matters. And he won't be alone this time. He Tian is going to be there. He'll be able to ask the questions Guan Shan can't bring himself to ask. He'll pay for the visit, too. Maybe they can get another print out for his mom. That would be nice. It's not like Guan doesn't have the money. He saved for this appointment, after all. He skipped some meals and took on a couple of more shifts at the pharmacy so that he would have the money, just in case. He could pay the bill. But if He Tian wants to, he should let him pay this time. That's the considerate thing to do, he guesses.

When Guan Shan reaches the hospital entrance, he doesn't see He Tian anywhere. Taking a glance at his phone, he realizes that it's still ten minutes until his appointment. He must have walked quicker than he realized. He Tian would show up any minute now.

It's uncomfortable waiting in plain sight of so many passing people. At least two thirds of them smile at him. He doesn't smile back. Instead, he fixes his eyes on his shoes. One of his shoe laces is untied. He can't bring himself to bend over and re-tie it. Bending over with his bump feels like hell. He gets dizzy and his back aches and he usually has to sit down afterwards. So he leaves them open. More people pass him. He avoids looking at their friendly faces. They're probably wondering why he's just standing here alone. Or maybe he's just nervous and worked up. It's been a long day already and it's not even noon, yet.

It's five minutes until his appointment. He'll need three minutes to get to the gynecological ward. Still no sign of He Tian. Did Guan Shan give him the wrong time? Or the wrong address? Maybe he's waiting inside? Guan Shan decides to go in and look for He Tian there. No sign of him in the foyer. No sign of him in the elevator. No sign of him in front of the station. It's early in the morning on a weekday, so it's not too busy. He looks up at every person that walks his way but all they do is smile at him and walk by.

It's one minute until his appointment. And He Tian's not here. Guan Shan feels tired. He should have gone to bed earlier. He closes his heavy eyes for a few seconds, focusing on the sound of footsteps passing him. It doesn't matter, he tells himself. He's managed by himself so far, he can do the rest alone, too. It doesn't matter. She Li doesn't matter and neither does the other bastard. Nothing matters but his baby.

With that thought in mind, he walks through the heavy glass door and up to the information desk. He sits down on a squeaky chair in the waiting room and stares at the plain, white wall in front of him, trying to ignore the two couples quietly talking to each other. When a nurse calls his name, he silently stands up and follows her into the dimly lit examination room. She doesn't mind him not talking, it seems. It's cold somehow, Guan Shan thinks, he won't take off his jacket. He sits down on the cot. The nurse takes his blood pressure and his temperature before exiting the room again, leaving him alone.

As he sits there, Guan Shan looks at nothing in particular. The ultrasound scanner whirs quietly and the AV sings along. Voices outside are muffled through the closed door. The curtains are pulled so that only little light falls into the room. It smells sterile and impersonal but Guan Shan has always liked the clean scent of disinfectant, so that doesn't bother him. If he lay down, he could probably fall asleep. Rest for some minutes. Nobody knows him here. Nobody expects anything of him. He's all alone. But then the door opens and Doctor Zhao enters the room.

“Mr. Mo, good morning, how are you feeling today?,” she says with a hurriedness unique to doctors and nurses.

“Fine,” he says briskly. If she notices his mood, she doesn't show it. Dr. Zhao simply sits down on the small stool and reaches for the gel.

“Your blood pressure was alright and you don't have a temperature, that's good. Please roll up your shirt and let's have a look at the little worm,” she says.

Guan Shan lies down on the cot, exposes his belly and looks at the ceiling. The tiles, once surely a pearly white, are now grey-ish and ugly. He feels Dr. Zhao spreading the gel on his bump and starting the examination. He closes his eyes.

“Mhh,” Dr. Zhao says after a moment.

Guan Shan opens one of his eyes. “What?,” he asks, immediately alarmed.

Dr. Zhao's brows are furrowed as she looks intently at the monitor.

“The fetus looks just a little too small for how far you are along in your pregnancy, Mr. Mo. He isn't quite as far in development as he should be,” Dr. Zhao states calmly.

Guan Shan swallows thickly. No. No way.

“What does that mean?,” he finally manages to press out.

“Have you taken care of yourself, Mr. Mo? Eaten well, rested and slept enough?”

Guan Shan reflects on the last couple of weeks. Overworking, under-eating and not sleeping. Worrying a whole bunch. Staying up late and worrying about his baby, trying to save up some money so that his son will have a comfortable start in life. Leaving out meals so that he could go to this appointment so that his son's health can be supervised. All these little sacrifices Guan Shan made so that his baby will have it good. Thinking he did at least something right. At least doing something. Anything at all. And meanwhile harming the one thing he wants to protect the most?

“You have to take care of yourself, Mr. Mo. Taking care of yourself is taking care of your baby.”

His eyes are burning and he can feel a sob threatening to come up. It's his fault. His child is suffering because of him. Because of his incapability to provide three meals a day, a safe home and a comfortable life. Because he's too dumb and too poor for university or a stable job and too stubborn to ask for help. It's his fault.

Heavy tears roll down his reddened cheeks when Dr. Zhao turns to face him.

“Mr. Mo, it's not -,” she is interrupted by a knock on the door. A nurse enters.

“I'm sorry to interrupt, Dr. Zhao, but there is a Mr. He who claims to be Mr. Mo's mate and demands to be let into the examination room,” she says.

Before Dr. Zhao is even able to retort anything, He Tian pushes through the door. He is out of breath and his hair is tousled. Guan Shan sobs one, twice, and can't stop.

“Little Mo,” He Tian says breathlessly as he makes his way across the room in a few long, hurried strides, his hands already reaching for Guan Shan, “what's wrong? Why are you crying?”

Without even thinking about it, Guan Shan sits up and opens his arms. He Tian doesn't waste any time and folds him into a strong embrace. He kisses Guan Shan's head as he cries into He Tian's shoulder. His hands are fisted tightly in the soft fabric of He Tian's coat. While holding him, He Tian releases calming pheromones and keeps rubbing his scent glands on Guan Shan to comfort him. It takes effect almost immediately and Guan Shan is finally able to breathe between his sobs.

“Where the fuck were you?,” he cries angrily, hitting He Tian once on the head while still holding on to him.

“I'm sorry, baby,” He Tian says in a soft voice, “I thought I was supposed to pick you up at your place, and when I noticed that you were already gone, I drove here as fast as I could, but traffic was a nightmare. And I don't have your phone number.”

“Fuck!,” Guan Shan exclaims as he keeps hiding his face in He Tian's chest. He has no other words and he can't stop crying, either. Fuck this day, fuck this situation, fuck his pregnancy hormones and fuck his whole entire life.

“Uh,” Dr. Zhao clears her throat, “am I right to assume that you're the father, Mr. He?”

Guan Shan pulls back, slightly embarrassed, focusing back on Dr. Zhao and the problem at hand. He Tian doesn't let go of him, though, taking his hand in his and squeezing it.

“Yes, I'm the father, and I'm very sorry for being late and for just barging in like this,” He Tian says, “but can someone explain to me why my mate is crying?”

 _My mate_ , he says. Keeps saying so casually, when anyone can see that they're clearly not, though. There are no marks on their necks and no rings on their fingers. It should be embarrassing for He Tian to call him that when Guan Shan refuses to wear his mark.

“Of course,” Dr. Zhao says, turning back to the monitor, “the fetus is slightly smaller than it is supposed to be. Judging by your partner's reaction, I assume it's due to a rather unhealthy lifestyle. Malnurishment, overexertion and insomnia can pose as possible causes for this slight delay in development. As I was trying to assure Mr. Mo before your arrival, though, it's nothing to worry about too much. Just try to take better care of yourself and the baby will catch on to how he's supposed to develop.”

“Of course, I will take better care of my mate and our son, thank you,” He Tian says, sounding all grown up and mature. Overwhelmed by everything that's happening, feeling relieved but guilty, happy and worried, Guan Shan simply starts crying again. He turns his face away and starts rubbing at his already reddened eyes, when He Tian puts an arm around his shoulders, hugging him close.

“If you have any questions please feel free to call any time,”, Dr. Zhao says as she stands up, reaches under the monitor, pulls out two print outs and wordlessly puts them next to Guan Shan on the cot before walking to the door, “I'll give you a minute to calm down and please make a new appointment for early next month to check in again.”

“Thank you, doctor,” He Tian says. Just as Guan Shan hears the door close, He Tian is fully holding him again. Guan Shan can't remember the last time he was held for so long. It feels like a lifetime ago.

“It's okay, baby, the doctor said he'll be fine,” He Tian says. Neither of them is very skilled in the art of consoling, but Guan Shan appreciates He Tian trying to comfort him regardless.

“Fuck you,” Guan Shan offers smartly, bumping his head against He Tian's chest.

“I'm really sorry, Guan Shan, I misunderstood, but it won't happen again, I promise. Please don't be angry,” He Tian mumbles as he drops his own head on top of Guan Shan's.

Guan Shan sniffles a little but calms down enough to form coherent sentences.

“I thought you changed your mind,” he admits quietly.

“Never,” He Tian gives back without a second of hesitation.

They're quiet for a moment. They've held each other like this only once before, Guan Shan remembers. After he told He Tian about how he met She Li, back in middle school.

 _She Li_.

“How do you know, though, you could change your mind someday,” Guan Shan says, “in a couple of years, when the novelty of having a baby has worn off. Or when I get old. You're rich, a dominant alpha and influential, you could have whoever you want.”

“So let me have you,” He Tian says simply. Taking a step back, he's able to look into Guan Shan's eyes. He has one hand at the base of Guan Shan's neck and the other on his jaw. His skin is warm to the touch.

“You know if it were up to me, we'd be mated tonight, get married tomorrow, move in together right after and spend the rest of our lives together. But I understand that taking our time is what you want.”

Being mated, married and living together in a He estate. The baby would be safe there. Guan Shan could rest and wouldn't have to worry about food or work. And He Tian would be there, too. Caring for him, loving him.

He needs to stop projecting his own insecurities onto He Tian and he needs to stop listening to that persistent voice in his head, suspiciously sounding like She Li, telling him that he needs to do everything on his own, that he's good for nothing and pathetic, and that the only worth he has is the work he does for others and his status as an omega. That's what She Li always tried to do: isolate him, make him feel indebted to him, and degrade him. But Guan Shan is no longer a teenager. He doesn't owe She Li a goddamn thing. He owes his son the happiest and safest life possible, and that's it. And if to ensure it, he has to let go of his stubborn morals and self-efficiency complex, he'll do that. He'll work on himself for the sake of his son. He will try to accept the fact that he deserves to be happy. And He Tian is what makes him happy.

“Okay,” Guan Shan says quietly. It's hard. Giving in, that is. It's the hardest thing Guan Shan has ever done. But he's strong. He's always been strong. And he's strong enough to not fall back into old patterns and clusters again.

“What?,” He Tian asks, bewildered, his eyes searching Guan Shan's face.

“Okay,” Guan Shan repeats, “let's do that.”

“D- d- do what?” Guan Shan has never heard He Tian stumble his words. He'll cherish this moment, for sure.

“Mate, get married, move in together. You proved you care, I guess. But you need to keep proving to me that you're serious. It's not a once and done kinda thing, y'know.”

“Are you serious? You mean it?”

“Yes, I mean it.”

“Guan Shan... I – I love you so much, I don't – .“

Before he can say any more, and before he notices Guan Shan's flushed cheeks and red ears, Guan Shan pulls him down by the neck and presses his lips to He Tian's. He Tian is frozen for only a second before kissing Guan Shan back.

Guan Shan never would have thought that kissing is a whole body affair. His skin tingles, and his ears ring as He Tian kisses him deeper. He understands now that the weird feeling in his gut whenever he sees or touches He Tian is what people generally call butterflies. His legs are getting weak and he's thankful that he's sitting down. There is a warmth spreading in his chest that he can't compare to anything else he's ever felt before. He's unsure if he'll ever be able to run away from this again.

Guan Shan pulls back, his lips feel swollen already, and puts a hand on He Tian's chest. He Tian looks at him confused, his eyes hopeful. Guan Shan can't help himself and kisses him one more time before clearing his throat.

“I have to tell you something,” Guan Shan says. He's never been delicate with words so he'll just says it as it is.

“What is it?,” He Tian asks.

Guan Shan takes a steadying breath.

“It's about She Li,” he says, “he wants our baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. Omg. Seriously, I don't know what to say. Thank you to every single one that left kudos and comments. You cannot imagine how much thhat means to me. I'm sorry I don't respond to every single one, but I guarantee that I read every comment and appreciate them SO MUCH. That's really what keeps me motivated. Thank you so much, truly. Stay health and stay safe!

**Author's Note:**

> Quarantine made me do this, I do not take responsibility. Kudos and comments are very much appreciated, though.


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